Attachment refers to the relationships and bonds between people, particularly our long-term relationships. This includes the bond between a parent and child and also the bond between romantic partners. Developmental psychologist John Bowlby was the first theorist to investigate the attachment bonds between mothers and infants. He proposed that a child’s relationship with their primary caregiver, which is often the mother, sets up one’s attachment style throughout life. If you have insecure attachment, this can affect the quality of your experience in your intimate relationships.
In my clinic, more often than not, I turn to a client’s attachment style to help them learn more about themselves and the way they function in relationships. Research has revealed that a high percentage of clients presenting to therapy have adult attachment issues, and these underlie a large range of other mental health issues. This can have an enormous impact on how we understand ourselves, and how we manage our relationships. So what are attachment styles and how do you discover if you have one that is affecting your ability to maintain a strong, caring and secure relationship?
There are four main adult attachment styles: secure attachment, dismissive attachment, preoccupied attachment and disorganised or fearful attachment. Of these, secure attachment is the goal. A securely attached child is one which experiences all the right conditions of parenting and they consequently form a strong sense of self and the ability to regulate their emotions early in life. This generally translates into a securely attached adult. The other three are results of insecure attachment and are formed generally to ward off anxiety from not having essential needs met as a child. Attachment styles are learned early in life and become unconscious coping methods used to tackle the challenges of adult relational life. If not examined, they can become inflexible and detrimental.
How are our attachment styles assessed?
Attachment styles are measured by varying levels of anxiety and avoidance with regards to our experience in our relationships. For example, people who are anxious in response to relationships are often concerned about the availability of their significant other and whether their attachment needs are being met. People who are avoidant tend to experience discomfort with intimacy. They tend to avoid one’s own and others’ feelings and needs. A qualified therapist can use a variety of assessment tools to help assess your attachment style.
Secure Attachment
If you are securely attached you generally have a sense of yourself as being worthy of care and affection and are therefore more flexible and capable of dealing with stress. In intimate relationships, secure individuals actively seek emotional support when needed and are able to recognise the cues for emotional support when their partners need it too. Secure individuals are comfortable with intimacy, yet they are also comfortable with their independence. A classic comment about their relationship might be something like, “I know he’ll be there when I need him”. They are generally low in anxiety and low in avoidance of affection in their intimate relationships. This means that they are less likely to have an overwhelmingly anxious response to stressful life events, they do not avoid intimacy and they seek help when distressed.
Dismissive Attachment
Someone who has a dismissive attachment style commonly appears competent, independent, self-sufficient and strong, but they are often detached from relationships and emotional closeness. They are not friends with intimacy. This does not mean that they fail to form relationships, it’s just that if they do form relationships, they find ways of staying distant in that relationship. This is especially so when it comes to conflict and emotional expression. For a dismissive, showing vulnerability and need – even when privately experiencing distress in response to highly stressful circumstances – is unacceptable. They are high in avoidance and low in anxiety. That is, even though they tend to avoid their own and others’ emotional needs, they do not tend to get overly anxious when presented with real problems. A classic comment from a dismissive type might be something like, “No problem, I can get along fine without her”.
Preoccupied Attachment
Someone who has a preoccupied attachment style tends to be consumed by angry, idealising, or worrisome preoccupations about others in current and past relationships. They also tend to show excessive worry about the closeness of relationships. They are overly concerned with rejection and being abandoned, even when there are no signs of this occurring. People who have preoccupied attachment are usually strong, compulsive caretakers who will readily forgo their own needs for the sake of another’s. They are low in avoidance of intimacy in relationships, but high in anxiety. That is, although they do not avoid emotional connection, they can become anxious and worried if they turn towards others with their problems. A classic comment by a preoccupied type might be something like, “I go to him when I’m upset, but I’m not sure he really wants me to do that”.
Disorganised Attachment
People with disorganised attachment tend to find relationships hard. They do not have a stable attachment style as they swing between the poles of a preoccupied style and a dismissive. For example, they can be remarkably dismissing one moment and then, in the same relationship, become remarkably clingy and demanding. They constantly show instability and upheaval in their intimate relationships and can quite often have impaired self-agency. Someone with disorganised attachment is generally high in both avoidance and anxiety. This means that they fear both connection and differentiation in relationships and are anxious a lot of the time. A classic comment by a disorganised type might be something like, “There’s something wrong with me”.
How can we develop secure attachment?
If you are worried that you may have one of the insecure attachment styles, the good news is, secure attachment can be earned. And it is worth the effort. In her book, Attachment Theory in Practice: EFT with Individuals, Couples, and Families, Susan Johnson examines how secure attachment is linked to almost every positive aspect of mental health and general well-being. On the other hand, insecurely attached people are more vulnerable to depression and various forms of stress and anxiety disorders.
You can get assessed by a therapist who works with attachment to discover which attachment style you predominantly use. A course of therapy can help you learn more flexible interpersonal coping skills and gain a greater feeling of security within yourself. Suffice to say, if you learn the skills to become more securely attached, your sense of well-being increases, and your relationships are given the opportunity to thrive.
Jacqui Snooks is a registered counsellor and psychotherapist who practises on the Mornington Peninsula. Face to face appointments are held at Enhanced Wellbeing Co. in Mornington. Online therapy is also available. For more information please visit: jacquisnooks.com
References
1. Brown, D.P. & Elliot, D. S. (2016). Attachment Disturbances in Adults. New York & London: W. W. Norton & Company.
2. Johnson, S. M (2019). Attachment Theory in Practice: Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT with Individuals, Couples, ad Families. New York: The Guilford Press.
3. Teyber, E. & McClure, F. H. (2011). Interpersonal Process in Therapy: an Integrative Model. Belmont, CA: Brooks/Cole.